This is a very touchy subject for everyone including myself. I was going back and forth about doing this. I feel like I need to release this. I feel like all my writings have help people before so I need to continue it.
When people see me, they see me as the strong one. I’m the dependable one. I’m one of the ones that no one worries about me because I have it all together. As I have gotten older, I am. But when I was younger, I was far from it. I was very insecure about myself. It didn’t help matters when you are looked at as being the oddball. I was big, tall, and bright skin. Talk about standing out. Then on top of that, I didn’t have anyone encouraging me or making me feel beautiful. I always was told that I need to lose weight or that I need to act a certain way. I knew growing up that I was different but the way people was treating me made me feel uncomfortable. The way I dealt with things was I would fight. If you made me feel uncomfortable or you were talking bad about me, I would get revenge. I would get in trouble but I felt great afterwards.
In middle school, things got worse. When I was around my friends, I was great. I was able to be myself and be free to do so. Going home, it was totally different. My mom use to fuss at me all the time. She would tell me all the time I need to act like my brother. “Why you not like your brother?” “You need at be like your brother.” You act just like your daddy.” “Stop acting like your daddy.” My daddy was in and out of my life and he wasn’t a good husband to my mom…you do the math. For me, it made me feel so bad. On one hand, my friends are accepting me for you I am. On the other hand, I’m feeling horrible being who I am around my mom. Also, she treated my brother like he was the golden child but she treated me like I was the ugly duckling. I compare my life to Cinderella. I was Cinderella and my mom was the evil stepmother. By the way, it’s my favorite Disney movie so far.
Dealing with these emotions and actions, I was thinking about suicide. Things were getting worse. My mom was the devil at this point. My daddy wasn’t around. I had no one to talk to about this. I felt so alone. I felt like I was trapped. One day, I was in my room. I had scissors in my hand. I don’t remember why I had them. I just did. Then, I looked at my wrist. I was thinking how would it feel to cut my wrist. I kept going back and forth with it. Then, I shook it off and decided to go to sleep. While I’m sleeping, a voice came to me. I believe in God so I feel like it was He or Jesus. God told me that he loves me. He said he doesn’t me to harm myself. He said things would get better. I remember I didn’t get up or was scared. When I finally got up, I felt released. It was like chains were breaking off of me. I felt like as a feather. At that time, I didn’t understand it like I do now. After that, everything felt like I was playing around in an imaginary field chasing a rainbow.
As far as I can remember, I didn’t think about suicide anymore. Things were looking up for me. I started feeling good to be me. I really can’t explain it because it was a 180-degree experience for me. God was there by my side. He was talking to me. My mom’s life took a turn. My great grandmother was getting sick. My mom’s health wasn’t the best. My daddy was gone more. She was in the progress of trying to leave him. She started treating me better.
Today, I am more self aware of what’s going on around me and to me. I get vibes that either something is right or wrong. When I feel like when I get overwhelm, I take a break from everything and everybody. When people are talking negative towards me or isolate me, I look at that as a blessing. As the phrase goes, what comes around goes around.